About the Author
----------------
Janet Woititz (1938-1994) is the author of Adult Children
of Alcoholics, which was on the New York Times bestseller list
for over a year. She wrote several other books, including
Lifeskills for Adult Children; The Self-Sabotage Syndrome; The
Struggle for Intimacy; Marriage on the Rocks; Healing Your Sexual
Self and many others. Woititz was the director and founder of the
Institute for Counseling and Training in West Caldwell, New
Jersey.
Read more ( javascript:void(0) )
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
--------------------------------------------------------
from Chapter 5
Recovery Hints
It is important to be clear what recovery means for adult
children. Alcoholism is a disease. People recovering from
alcoholism are recovering from a disease. The medical model is
accepted by all responsible folks working in alcoholism
.
Being the child of an alcoholic is not a disease. It is a fact
of your history. Because of the nature of this illness and the
family response to it, certain things occur that influence your
self-feelings, attitudes and behaviors in ways that cause you
pain and concern. The object of AcoA recovery is to overcome
those aspects of your history that cause you difficulty today and
to learn a better way.
To the degree that none of us have ideal childhoods and to the
degree that even an ideal childhood may be a cause for some
concern, we are all recovering to some extent or other, in some
way or other. Because there are so many alcoholic families and
because we have been fortunate in being able to study them, it is
possible to describe in general terms what happens to children
who grow up in that environment.
To the degree that other families have similar dynamics,
individuals who have grown up in other ôdysfunctionalö systems
identify with and recover in very much the same way.
Recovery Hints for Adult Children
All folks in AcoA recovery need to learn the Al-Anon principle
of detachment regardless of whether or not they are recovering
from addiction or are living with an addict. Until you do this,
you can go no further. Detachment is the key. Because of the
inconsistent nature of the nurture a child receives in an alcohol
family system and the childÆs hunger for nurture, many of you are
still joined to your parents at the emotional hip. Even if you
are no longer with them, you continue to seep their approval and
are strongly influenced by their attitudes and behaviors. You
will need to learn to separate yourself from them in a way that
will not add to your stress. This is one of the primary goals of
the Al-Anon program.
àWhat you learn about yourself as you are growing up because a
part of who you are and how you feel about yourself. No one can
change that but you. Your parents, even if they recover and treat
you differently, cannot fix what makes you feel bad about
yourself. You may start a new and y relationship with them
in the present but no a of amends on their part will fix the
past. That is why dwelling on their part in your ongoing pain
will not get you through it or past it. Your present difficulties
are your problem. To put the focus outside yourself is to delay
your recovery.
Emotions that have been held down for years and years will come
to surface. That is why it is suggested that if you are
recovering from an addiction, you need to focus on that first so
that you will not be tempted to relieve those feelings in
destructive ways. You will go through a number of powerful
emotions in your recovery. It is part of the process.
Not everyone goes through the stages of the process in the same
sequence, and many of you may block some of those feelings. There
is no ôrightö way. I just tell you about the process because
those feelings may surface without your conscious direction and
frighten you. And they will resurface many times with each new
discovery. The recovery process is different for different folks.
Only you can determine the way that will work best for you.
Your immediate response to reading this book may be:
* . The realizations that you are not alone and that you
are not crazy will be freeing. It may be a life-changing event.
* Pain. The awareness of the a of your suffering and your
powerlessness may overwhelm you along with the knowledge that you
have been living a lie. It will be similar to the extraordinary
pain you experienced as a child before you learned how to numb
out.
* Anger. It is not unusual for all the anger that youÆve been
sitting on for all these years to surface and you may become
fearful of your own rage.
* Grief. The losses that you have experienced have to be grieved
for, and you may feel this level of pain as well. You may believe
that if you begin to cry you will never stop.
* Joy. Going through the process eventually will allow you to
experience a freedom that you have never felt before. When you
are an adult you can be the child you were unable to be when you
were a child.
¬1983, 1990 by Janet Woititz. All rights reserved. Reprinted
from Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz,
Ed.D. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means,
without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher:
Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield
Beach, FL 33442.
Read more ( javascript:void(0) )